checking on a depressed ex

my ex boyfriend and i broke up recently after three years. he’s the one who ended it. he said his depression has been getting worse over the years (i agree) and though he wasn’t unhappy because of our relationship, he felt guilty because he felt that he was dragging me down with him and didn’t want to burden me, and he didn’t see himself getting better anytime soon.

i’ve seen him spiral and have these terrible explosions, he never took things out on me (besides being short tempered and stand offish with me) but it was scary to see and it was really painful to see him struggling and know there was nothing i could do to help him. he’s expressed suicidal thoughts before on multiple occasions, he says he would never go through with it because he wouldn’t want to put the people in his life through that, but i’m afraid that one day that won’t be enough.

before when we had our final conversation i had my doctor print out information for inexpensive mental health centers that he should look into and gave it to him. he took it, but knowing him and what his family is like (you don’t need that, just get over it, you have a roof over your head what more do you need, you’re depressed because you do this and that, if you didn’t let your girlfriend get away you’d be happy – he broke up with me but his family has always told him i’m too good for him so i know how they’ll treat him when they hear we broke up), and knowing that he doesn’t really want people to know about what he’s dealing with especially his family, i know that he might not take that step on his own.

we were together for three years, and i do still love him and wish we could have worked it out. i wanted to move forward with a better understanding of what he was dealing with and stay by his side as he tried to battle through this, but he felt like he had to be alone for now and i knew i couldn’t force it. and maybe it hasn’t really set in yet, but i actually think i’m ok. his depression made him very distant, and for a long time i took it personally and took it as an issue with me, but now i better understand what he was going through and why he couldn’t always be emotionally available. so even when we were together and in the same room, even laying right next to each other, it was like he was there but not really there. in a way it feels like the man that i originally fell in love with has been gone for a long time, i saw him in there sometimes but most of the time his depression buried him, and i more so need to grieve losing that version of him and not who i was with leading up to the break up. because of that it sort of feels like we’ve been broken up for a long time, just not physically or officially.

i don’t care about him just as a boyfriend, but i care about him as a person, so knowing he’s ok is still important to me. i can’t just move forward not caring how he’s doing and if he’s getting help and if he’s feeling suicidal. when we had our last conversation i told him though i’m alright with his decision, i can’t handle being friends right now. he kept saying he still wanted me in his life and wants me to know i will always be important to him but he just knows he hasn’t been a good boyfriend and doesn’t want to bring me down with him. i still would like to check in on how he’s doing from time to time. i was his main emotional support system and i was the only person who knew his darkest thoughts and saw his scariest moments so i don’t think other people realize how bad his mental state is so i don’t know that others will check on him the way he needs.

i sent his mom a long message, as a way to say goodbye but also to tell her what he’s been dealing with. aside from what he couldn’t hide from me he’s been suffering in silence. she didn’t know how bad things were (i didn’t mention that he was suicidal because i didn’t want her to completely panic), but said she had a feeling and didn’t know how to bring it up. i trusted her more than anyone else he knows to understand and be able to support him, and i thought maybe her encouraging him to seek professional help would be more effective than me telling him. we had a long talk and she thanked me for telling her what he’s been going through, but i could tell she was still worried because she doesn’t live close enough to physically be there and help him.

like i said, i’m not comfortable with being his friend right now but i still would like to know if/how he’s been coping or has been getting/seeking help, and i don’t want it to be me messaging his mom out of the blue sometimes to ask her questions about him especially since she’s not physically around him to be able to tell. since i understand that when someone’s depressed they need to know that people care. i think i just need advice on an appropriate way to check on how he’s doing and what is an appropriate amount of time after breaking up to do this.