I’m so rude in the mornings

Honestly it’s really hard for me to socialize. It’s not social anxiety it’s more of the fact that I don’t understand social cues and I’ve had to learn what just comes naturally to other people-when it comes to socializing. Like, eye contact and facial expressions and actually responding to people when they speak to me whether that be with words/facial expressions or both and responding appropriately or a way that correlated with the conversation because I think like an alien or something.. Ive become quite good at it and I think I do very well. I’ve been working so hard on this..for years. I’ve been this way since childhood and it took a long time before i realized.. what my problem was. It’s one of my biggest flaws and I promise you people think I’m literally stupid..it’s like there’s a block between my mind and the outside world and other people and its been hard but I’ll be damned before it holds me back. You feel? I might be awkward but I’m aware of that and make an effort. I have come to the conclusion that I’m wired differently and that’s why I’m so fucking weird but it’s okay. Because I can work through it.

I’m not angry in the morning... but my brain is too tired to work to be normal. People talk to me at 6am and I just look at them and in my head I’m responding but to them I look at them blankly and don’t say anything and If I do.. it’s short and weird and doesn’t make sense..makes sense to me but not to them. and I don’t even realize it until way later and if I feel like I’ve come off extremely rude to someone I go and apologize to them later and explain that I don’t function until about 2 hours after waking up.

I feel like such an asshole sometimes...

Edit: almost my whole life I was seen by doctors because my mom noticed this early on and autism was never brought up...I have been on a plethora of medications that never helped and just made things worse.