I shouldn’t but I miss him...

Not sure what’s going on with our divorce papers. They were supposed to be started on Wednesday but I never got the confirmation email so I’m calling on Monday to see the hold up. Anyways my husband cheated. With the same woman and was so mean about it at the end of our relationship(really after I got fed up and left). I thought he was the love of my life and the man I was going to send the REST of my life with. It’s been since mid January. We’ve talked on and off. We’ve fought a lot after too. Last week it got bad and I ended up getting a no contact order in by his leadership. I didn’t regret it at the time because he was saying things out of anger and pissed me off. But I regret it now because I need to talk to him about important things and I can’t. I want to be his friend so bad. I know he’s not happy where he is in life. And for the things he’s done. I know that girl is not good for him. I’ve always known that she’s flakey and just a terrible person all around. I tried so hard to be who he needed in life and the person to support and love him. But I’m saying it was bad timing. Idk. I still don’t want this divorce. I’ve never wanted it. Even though there’s no hope. I want him to say I want you and I need you back. And him actually come back to me. But that won’t happen and I’ve lost the love of my life. I’m okay most days but sometimes all the feelings come back up and I just miss the old him. I’m so tired of being sad and missing him.