Rape. The word alone brings a chill down my spine. I will never understand how a person can do something so terrible. Coward. That is the first word that comes to mind. Whether you knew the person prior or you were a random victim, no means no. But you believed your needs outweighed the needs of your victim. For me this is my reality and the reason for my very existence. This man chose to take advantage of a venerable woman. A rapist is my father. And despite my opinion, he is still half of who I am. For the longest time when I looked at myself in the mirror I wondered which parts belong to the rapist. Did blonde hair and blue eyes run in his family? What features did I get from him? Was I the only one who played soccer all my life? Do we have a history of mental illness and that is where my depression comes from? I struggled with who I was most of my life and why I even existed.

In a 1996 study, they found 5% of rapes ended in pregnancy. In a one year study, they found over 32,000 pregnancies out of the 6.2 million in the United States were results of rape. This shows that pregnancy from rape was rare. And according to our society, no matter your stance on abortion, rape is treated differently. This post isn't to push my beliefs on anyone, I just want to share my story in hopes of touching someones life. When I hear peoples stance on abortion it breaks my heart. People say how can you love a child conceived from rape, that they are a constant reminder, and talk about how you could never look at the child the same. But what people fail to realize is by saying abortion is the answer, people like me should not exist. That I should have to prove why I'm alive. I'm not disposable. I am a human being. But according to these people I should be dead because I am the exception.

But I am not the exception. Did my mom have every right to choose and abortion? Absolutely! But she chose life. What happened to her wasn't her fault. But it also wasn't mine. So why did I deserve to die? When you have a baby from rape, it turns a devastating situation into something beautiful. I have the most amazing mother. I was never a mistake. In fact, she has called me her blessing all my life. I am not saying that choosing to keep a baby is the right choice. But I want people to know abortion isn't the only choice. Of course my mom considered abortion, but she couldn't go through with it. And for that I will be forever thankful.

But growing up was not always easy. I never met my "father". And meeting new people always brings a new level of anxiety. At some point you will have to explain why you never talk about your dad. I never got to go to father daughter dances. He didn't walk me down the isle at my wedding or dance with me at my reception. I didn't have a dad to teach me how I deserved to be treated. I had a step dad growing up, but he did things to me I won't address in this post. I had boyfriends who hit me, controlled me, made me feel fat (even at a size 2), and made me feel like I was never good enough. But to me this was my normal. I didn't understand why God allowed so many men to treat me so badly. I vowed when I had children, they would never feel one ounce of the pain I felt throughout my life. And I am thankful I married the most amazing man who loves me and my daughter unconditionally. He protects us, provides for us, and loves us more than I ever thought possible.

When we decided it was time to have kids I thought I would never be able to get pregnant. I thought that I should be punished for how I was conceived. That someone with those genes should not reproduce. But God had different plans for us. I got pregnant the first month and I was overjoyed with excitement. I was always told that when you have children you love them differently than any other person. And this is true. It's the purest type of love. Agape love. This type of love is something so important to me that me and my mom got matching tattoos on our shoulders. For her to love me unconditionally is something that should be celebrated. My mom found out she was pregnant on October 31. This also happens to be one of my Godmothers birthdays. I know how she felt the first time she felt a flutter, a kick, hiccup, or movement. How the first time you hold your baby all the pain is worth it. How watching this little version of yourself grow up is the best thing that ever happened to you.

I will probably never understand why, but God decided I was worth being on this earth. I may not have been conceived by two married parents in love. But I've realized that is ok. I am smart, successful, beautiful, strong, loving, and caring. And I did that without him. Yes he may be half of my DNA, but I am the best version of myself because I deserved to live. My circumstances do not define who I am. I choose who I am. And my biggest goal in life is to change someones life. I pay for the person behind me every time I go through a drive through. I love to bring coffees to my coworkers. And I love the looks on peoples faces when I get to pay for their meals in restaurants. I am not a perfect person and I have made mistakes.

But I am not a rapist daughter.

I am a daughter.

I am a wife.

I am a mother.

I am loved.

And I deserved to be born.

https://bluntsouthernmama.blogspot.com/2019/03/conceived-from-rape-my-story.html?spref=fb&m=1