I can't get over it
This might be long but I'm starting from the top. I'm 21 and had an abortion about two and a half months ago. I was with this one guy for almost two years, Well we broke up and after a few months of being depressed I decided I would make myself go out. Well, needless to say I found a new guy. We talked for awhile and started dating. This guy "loved" me within a month. One night we were having sex and he never told me to get off or stop. So.. after the fact I asked if he got to go. When he said yes and I asked where he had no answers (you can guess where he went). I really feel like he did it on purpose, because only a few days before somehow me him and a few friends got on the subject of abortion, at the time I was completely against it, almost still am and he knew that. Well a few weeks later and 5 positive pregnancy test my fear was confirmed. I was pregnant. My first though? -Why, why me. Why with this guy. I know it's sounds dumb but I didn't want to be with him, I didn't love him like he said he loved me. He knew that. He was just supposed to help me get over my ex, he didn't know that. At first I wasn't going to tell him, but I had to. We talked and I cried. I knew what I wanted to do right away but it took me a few weeks to come to terms with it and be able to actually say it. What helped me make the decision was the fact I had just lost my job, I can't afford my life much less a child. I don't want a child until I can give them everything they need and more. Also the fact that I wasn't pregnant by the only person I could see myself having kids with. Well the guy I was with didn't argue much, but he knew he couldn't. Said He wanted what I wanted... He paid for everything. Now mind you, I hated what I was doing from the start. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and was just emotionally messed up. I was 7 weeks when I took the pill. I literally felt my baby fall out of my body and flushed it down the toilet... How the hell am I supposed to live with that? I still don't sleep very well and when I do I have bad dreams. It's always on my mind, not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about it. I've talked to God asked him to forgive me, told the child I was sorry that I was chosen to be its mother, that I'm sorry for not giving it a chance and that I really do love him/her. I'm not with this guy anymore, in fact I'm back with my ex I was talkin about. But the only people that know about what I did is the guy who got me pregnant and now you. I have no one to talk to and I'm loosing my mind over this. I don't know what to do, I can't let my parents find out (I'd get the bible throw in my face and made to fell worse than i already do) or my boyfriend (I'm not sure he would stay with me) How will I ever get over this...
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