I don't know what to call this (tw)
My boyfriend has sex in his sleep. We've been together almost 3 years and i can't count the number of times it's happened, he also already knew that he did it before me. He will start it, do everything he would normally do, and only wake up 1/2 way or not until he's about to bust. A lot of times he doesn't even remember it the next day. I don't even know sometimes (Ive suffered from insomnia my whole life so I'm usually still awake when he starts and I'm like "okay sure!") I'll talk to him, ask him if he's asleep and he'll respond like a sleepy (but awake-ish) guy with one thing on his mind.
I confided in him that I felt weird about it but he said it was cool and pretty much gave me the go ahead, though he has more recently admitted that there have been a couple of times were he didn't really want to when he woke up but thought "she just wants it that bad so okay." Me having no idea.
He's now had sex with me twice without my consent. (I'm putting as many details as I can, mostly for myself) The first time was a year or 2 ago, though I don't remember much. I think it was winter, I can remember where the bed was in the room and that it was about 3am but don't know if we'd been drinking that night (we wouldn't be more than tipsy if we were) and we were both asleep and things started as they usually do. He starts kissing me and gets on top but I was tired and wasn't feeling it (There's usually he'll to pay when my sleep is interrupted) so I turn away, try pushing him away and telling him no. I think it was 2 times I told him no but he wasn't awake. I was just too tired to fight so I let it happen. He of course finished, rolled over and slept like nothing happened like he usually does. All I remember is that I fell asleep at the other end of the bed pressed against the wall as far away from him as I could be and cried myself to sleep. The next day he asked why I was sleeping like that. I told him kinda what happened "I said no" was definitely said. I cried, he apologized, comforted me and we moved on.
Then it happened again a couple of nights ago. Earlier in the day we had sex but it just wasn't very good. The positions we were in only worked for one of us at a time. I had smoked weed earlier so I was tired, as well as dealing with stronger pms than usual and having just gotten over the worst and longest depression spell since my diagnosis so my mental heal is still sensitive. He was also getting frustrated too so I decided to stop. I didn't tell him but I was thinking that I'm just not good at sex any more so what's the point. It had been like 30 minutes, I came, he didn't. Later that night, again, early hours of the morning and we were both asleep. I'd been high most of the day (its not a regular thing) and was extremely burnt out, we'd shared a joint before bed but that was all he had. I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in with my back to him and in leggings, only they were pulled down below my butt (which would have normally woken me up) he was poking me with his boner and was inside me in seconds. Idk what or how long he was doing stuff to me because I was sort of wet. My thoughts were so confused. I didn't know what was happening, then I did and I froze. I didn't think to try and stop him or whether he was awake or not. The only clear thoughts I remember are "why are my pants down?" "Stay still/ don't move" and friction from not being wet enough.
I don't remember how it came up but I told him that I was asleep when it started, he was too. I think I was acting weird. He apologized a lot but his biggest worry is that I "think it was something that it wasn't" - his words. "It" being rape. That's when he said about the couple of times he didn't want it... (see start) I told him that I don't think that (the word was deliberately avoided) it was like that for a while. I was still upset which he took as me making assumptions. I think he just doesn't understand why I would not think that but still be as upset as I was (am? Idk) when he wasn't those couple of times with him.
I don't think he raped me, I'm not mad at him, there's no anger. I understand that he was asleep and don't blame him for that. I guess I'm distressed because I don't feel like my side would be so different if the situation was different. I still went through something and I don't know what to call it and that's scary to me.
If you've made it this far I am amazed thanks for listening to me vent.