A miserable mess

I fell in love but I wish I didn’t.

We got married after three years of a beautiful relationship.

I moved in with him to a different city.

And ever since.. I’ve felt alone.

He grew up here, his life is here, his family is here, his friends are here.

He never had to change his routine or step out of his comfort zone.

Unlike me.

It was a battle for me to settle, It still is.. 3 years later.

This city, his city, is huge and silent, I could feel the silence in my bones.

I tried taking this move as an opportunity to start fresh. To make new friends. To have a new life. A better life. But I fail, over and over again.

When I thought I settled, something new came up.

When I thought I made friends, I saw their true ugly colors.

When I thought its a new life, a better one, I was faced with a bigger challenge.

I love my husband, but I’m alone.

Being far from my family made me isolate myself from everyone else.

Every time I visited them, they already had plans, and I don’t feel like I fit in anymore. It’s almost like I died and they moved on... but I’m not dead, and I get to see them move on without me.

My own sisters started keeping secrets from me.

My closest friend found someone else to be close with.

And I am left with nobody.

My husband has a job, I don’t. My husband has his family a few steps away from home, I don’t. My husband has more friends than I used to have, I don’t. My husband keeps himself busy, he’s happy this way and I want him to be happy, but I’m not.

It hurts me to see him see me like that, I’m miserable, I’m unhappy, and I have zero stories to tell about my day.

I feel useless, I have nothing to talk to him about, except the fact that I’m a miserable mess.

He asks me why I don’t visit my family. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t feel like they’re my family anymore.

He asks me why I don’t hang out with my new friends. I don’t know how to tell him they’re toxic and it took a while for me to realize that they only treated me nicely because I was ‘the new girl in town’ but then they’ll go ahead and spill my secrets and make me look stupid in front of the rest of the girls. Its true that we live in a huge city, but my own friends managed to tarnish my reputation around our circle. I couldn’t even be friends with anyone else around.

He asks me what I need him to do. I tell him I need you around. I have no one.

But if he leaves everything just to hang out with me, he’ll end up just like me, a miserable mess. And I don’t want that for him.

At least I look forward to seeing him have a normal life despite having a useless and sad wife.

I couldn’t take care of him, I couldn’t even take care of myself.