I'm feeling super upset right now. And I know it's so stupid and there are greater issues in life. It may be irrational, but here it is. I got engaged almost 2 years ago. We've been together nearly 6. Engaged on our four year anniversary. I had never really put much thought into the actual wedding, I'll explain why in a moment. But through the course of these two years not a single plan has been made regarding the wedding at all.

Now I have issues with a traditional wedding. My dad abandoned me my whole life, and then died in 2017. I have had a stepdad since I was 9, but he was an alcoholic and ruined most of my "childhood". I also no longer even have someone I could possibly call a maid of honor. I have no close friends. My closest friend has been my bestie since 6th grade. We hold lots of love for each other but live different places and lead busy lives. We hardly see or talk to each other. Plus we can't really afford to plan a wedding right now anyways, with no financial assistance coming from anyone.

My almost sis-in-law's "step daughter" is engaged as well. 6 months engaged and they found her perfect dress yesterday. And I'm incredibly happy for her. But I guess that's where I got upset. See no matter how my wedding turns out, it will- in some way- be a disappointment. I will be defusing fights and taming fires between family members instead of enjoying myself. No one to properly give me away, or share a special dance with. No maid of honor to stand by my side and make sure I enjoy myself.

Of course there is always the option of courthouse marriage, but that in itself would be kind of a disappointment too. No big beautiful dress. No people fawning over me. No feeling like a princess. I've never really been jealous much in my life. But I'm glowing green of all the women that got to feel so special that day.

Plus my fiance came from like the perfect American family. I can see how excited sis is getting for her step daughter. I can tell her dad giving her away and sharing that dance meant the world to her. And she can't wait for her steppie to experience that. And it's wonderful. I wish her all the best. Just feeling really low because I will never get that. 😟😟