My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since September with no luck. We did everything right. We have wanted a baby for a long time, but waited until we got married, I finished college, we bought a house and made sure we were financially ready before diving in. We work our asses off every day so that we would be ready when we were blessed with those two pink lines.

Fast forward to this weekend when my younger sister tells us she’s pregnant. By accident. With a guy she has been dating for just a couple months.

It’s not fair. We were supposed to be the ones having a baby. We were the ones that would make my parents grandparents. We would be the happy parents sharing the news with our family. Now my sister, who has had everything handed to her our entire lives, who didn’t even think she wanted kids, gets to experience what I have been dreaming about for years. She’ll always be the one who did it first.

I’m disappointed in myself because I want to be happy for her. And I will be. But I also can’t help the heartbreaking sadness I felt when I saw her sonogram. I can’t take back the fact that I couldn’t tell her congrats because I couldn’t say anything other than ‘wow’. I can’t ignore that I had to hide in the bathroom so I could pull myself together enough to fake it through dinner until I could cry on the way home.

This really hurts.