I’m 💯 Not Ready To Adult

Dear Universe,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m a big pregnant woman. I’m sorry I still have 5 weeks of this pregnancy left. I’m sorry I have anxiety. But literally, I’m drowning here. Let up a little.

I’ve got my babies. And I love them to the depths of my core. I love their daddy. Although our intimate life basically ended the moment I got pregnant again. He’s having his own health problems. It’s a miracle I’ve got another baby on board. But I’m determined to walk this pregnancy, and his health issues. It’s marriage. We are in it together. For good or worse. Sex or none. But I can’t help but long for the touch of sexual intimacy. But until we can help him get whole, I’m standing by him and loving him. But I can’t help but feel so lonely in what has become a sexless marriage.

I’m tired. I wish my pregnancies were easy. I wish I didn’t puke, pee, have to go through testing, and struggle to bring my babies into this world. At 34 weeks, I became so violently ill with nausea and sickness in the night my husband had to physically hold me up. Not pretty. But reality.

I’ve been on bedrest every child. This child,

I’ve had a virus attack my body. I’m doing everything I can to keep our child safe and healthy. But I worry. I worry he won’t be healthy. I worry he will be special needs and I won’t be able to deal with it. I’m worried I won’t be able to balance. I worry about the kids sharing a room so little. I worry that postpartum, I’ll never recover from a csection.

I live in small town. We have to drive two hours for a specialist for my toddler who needs tubes in his ears. I pushed through with a screaming one year old into the appointment yesterday that took us two hours to get to. All for the specialist with zero bedside manner to look at his ears and say okay, we will see you at the hospital Thursday for surgery. In order to make the appointment, I had to keep my oldest out of school. We don’t have family to get him and I didn’t get home until two hours after school let out. When we got home, my teething toddler had pooped all over himself, his car seat, and literally had poop upside and down the other. So after being on my feet all day and driving hours, it was strip, bathe, and clean teething crap.

My oldest has been having bladder issues. We think it’s mostly because he’s been shuffled all over and had little schedule for weeks. And he doesn’t want to stop long enough to finish. He flat out said he didn’t finish because he doesn’t want to miss playing. He had several urgent runs to the bathroom yesterday. And he wet himself in the bed. He was so tired. I just don’t think he made it to the bathroom. And it really upset him. He got up over and over just to let a few drops out. He hates wetting. I’ve taken him to the doctor. And he has no other UTI symptoms. I was up with him as he cried because he wants to go to school. I’ve wondered if even though he seems completely chill about adding a brother to the family if all the change is manifested in accidents. And a consistent schedule would help him cope. But I can’t help but worry and feel guilty. It’s my bedrest that has caused his schedule has been out of whack. He goes to private school. His class is small so I talked to his teacher and she said to send him. If he has issues, she’s call. He’s been out a lot. He wants to go back.

I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other. Toys cover my living room. Both sides of my sink is covered in two days of dirty dishes. The stove needs to cleaned. There are piles of laundry. My husband needs his black dress slacks for work tonight. And my son’s comforter and sheets are needing to be washed after his small accident. Every surface seems to be covered in mess. Pretty sure there is oatmeal on the floor from breakfast.

My one year old seems happy and content to have some quiet play time. He loves his big brother. But my oldest is super extroverted and my little is introverted. So when my son went to school this morning, there was some relief that he could play quietly with this trucks for a little while.

But here is the deal, universe. I’m tired. I’m stressed. And I’m alone. A lot. I feel like my house is a losing battle. I’m constantly bombarded with sickness in my husband or kids. Or frustratingly me. My doctors want me to avoid people and crowds. And I have to keep taking my baby to hospitals and surgery prep. Honestly, I’m stressed about them putting him under on Thursday.

I’m struggling to adult today. My hips and back and knees are killing me. This baby is low. And I just don’t have the energy to do it all. I don’t even have the nursery ready for a baby.

I’m tired of being so wrung. And never getting a reprieve from this disaster I call life lately. I’d like a few days without some massive issue. Lighten up, universe.