It’s not always rainbows and unicorns...

My child is 19 months now. He is teething, he is frustrated he can’t communicate his needs, and he is pushing boundaries. It’s all normal, and I should be more understanding. But some days I’m not. Some days I can’t figure what he wants when he’s crying and I offer one thing after the next only to watch him throw it to the floor then continue to cry. Some days I can’t leave the house because out in public he wants to completely show out and act a fool.

Those days, I’m afraid to admit, I have raised my voice at my kid. I have imagined running away to some beach somewhere. I have resented having a child so young (I’m almost 24) as I watch my friends go on vacations, go to music festivals, or even go downtown and have a few drinks. I have beat myself up scrolling through other mom’s posts about how being a mom is “the best thing that ever happened to them” and that “they wouldn’t trade a second of it” wondering why I don’t always feel like that (or even more often than not, in this phase). I have questioned why God would give me a child when I clearly wasn’t “born to be a mother”. I have sobbingly apologized to my son and my husband for being such a weak, broken, and defective woman.

The fact is, I learned yesterday I’m not alone. So either I’m not broken and defective, or there’s a lot more of us than I thought. I’m convinced that every mom will at least have one moment like this one in their life. And no one talks about it....

We make life so much harder for each other by trying to put on this rose colored facade that everything in life is completely perfect and blissful, at all times. That’s the social media way. But in those times of darkness, when you find someone willing to lay down their pride and be authentic with you... you realize you’re not alone. And solidarity, man, solidarity helps you get through some of the thickest of shit. I’m not saying to go around spending all your time complaining about being a mom, or your kid is actin some kinda way... I’m just saying that sometimes it’s nice to see the “other side” of someone else’s life.

I am a proud and grateful mother. I was blessed to overcome infertility and conceive my own child. I love my child with everything I have. But sometimes, it’s hard. Really hard. And I’m not going to pretend it’s not. So if you’re out there, feeling defeated, a failure, broken, defective, shattered, resentful, irritated, depressed, alone, the list goes on.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are still a good mother. You are still a deserving mother. You are still a strong mother. You are going to get through this, and so will I.