Am I being emotionally abused?

Hello 👋🏼

I’m a natural nice and happy person who has been diagnosed with ADD when I was thirteen. Being ADD comes with gifts and challenges, the biggest challenge for me is completing a task on time and efficiently.

Fast forward to when I’m Twenty, I just met my future husband and I’ve stopped taking my medication because it made me a zombie human with migraines. I thought it was the medicine making me nervous, now I know what was happening.

Also my husband is 8 years older than I am.... so he has already thinking about marriage and children while I still was such a child. We were moving fast and we got married two years later. We’ve been married for four years now and we have had our ups and downs but when it’s good it’s really good and when it’s bad it’s really really bad.

I always told myself that I would leave the relationship if he ever hit me. Recently we got into a huge fight because I let out that I was nervous to have kids with him. I told him I feel like I can never talk to him with out him blowing up and yelling at me. Then what does he do, first gives me the silent treatment one day, leaves and does come home the next day and then corners me asking what I want for our relationship the third day. When I got fed up and tried to leave, he grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go leaving bruising around my arm. He also tried every method in the book, like saying he would kill himself, leaving me, and finally blocking me from physically leaving.

In all our six years together, that night, I was scared that he might take things to another level, physically. I know that he wouldn’t but I was very scared.

We had a good past month with very minimum fighting, but I messed up last night. I didn’t follow up on something and he went crazy. It was my fault and I told him that I would fix it but I just keep doing the wrong thing and he gets more and more mad.

I wasn’t as suicidal the last month but it came rushing back. Just waves and waves of anxiety and small panic attacks.

Only my mom and my close friend know how mean he can get and I know they will always be there for me.

At this point the only feelings I have is anxiety and being numb.

We don’t have kids but we have a mortgage together.

I helped him get through school and he also doesn’t have any family in the country so I’ve tried to be everything for him. My ADD hinders me a lot in places but with age and time I’ve come to work on it with out medicine.

I know that divorce is a likely outcome because I don’t know how much longer I can take feeling like this on a monthly bases.....

I just don’t know what to do anymore......