(I’m going way back)

When I was younger about three or four months old my mother heard from her friends that my father might be messing around with different women. She told me that because they were in a relationship for a certain amount of years they didn’t use protection. She said that she went to the clinic to get tested to see if she he gave her any STD’s, she told me it was hard for her because she couldn’t breastfeed me and her having to watch me cry for breast milk broke her heart and she was very angry at my father (I had to drink formula. And in those times you had to wait weeks for your results from the clinic). Fast forward I don’t remember when or remember the reason why but at the age of 6 my mother kicked him out of the house and told him to never come back. That nigga took it serious. He didn’t come to check on me, he didn’t call, he would probably visit me like three times a year for like the next two years, but this nigga had the audacity to bring a 4 year old boy talking about “tHiS iS yOuR bRoThEr” okay and??? I didn’t treat that boy like brother nor think of him as one or love him like one because we see each other whenever my father visits him and has the idea to bring him over to my house, leave him there, bounce out and we’ll connect. LMFAO HE THOUGHT (I was very nonchalant as a child, think I still am) but I would only talk to him because he’ll call to wish me happy birthday but he’ll say he’s using a friends’ phone as an excuse for us not to use that same number to try to contact him. So many times over the years he made so many promises, let me down so many time, I can’t even count on my hands and toes on how many times he switched his phone or changed his number so my mother couldn’t get in contact with him. I remember as a child when he came to visit he’ll stay an hour an leave and I used to run behind him and beg him crying/bawling and kicking asking him to stay and my mother had to hold me back because I used to run after him. I always fell asleep in my mothers’ arm crying. He has does a bunch of unspeakable things that might be too much for me to get into but he really changed me view on things such as trust, expectations, believe whether or not somebody is telling me the truth. He constantly raised my expectations with empty promises and let me down to the point where if someone says they’ll do something for me I don’t get my hopes up cause I’m constantly let down. After all these years I do not talk to my father for certain reasons. One of them being him keeping me away from my family ( on his side) I would always see the same three relatives around but I never got to know my cousins, my grandmothers’ siblings, my aunts and uncles. All because they’re católico romano and they didn’t want him smoking weed in their house ( he practices the Rastafarian religion) I only reconnected with them last year when my cousin died. I actually cried because I never got to know her and all these people who haven’t seen me since my grandmothers funeral from when I was 6. It was really heartbreaking just knowing so many years were wasted and watching all the pictures just made me felt sad. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive my father rn I’m 16 and I really don’t want anything to do with him after I turn 18. Can I vent to someone? 🥺