Last night, my husband changed positions midway through sex, which of course is fine except I’ve always avoided any positions where he is behind me as it triggers me. He flipped me over and went doggy style out of nowhere. Somehow my head got stuck between two bars in our headboard and my leg went into some kind of spasm and I couldn’t move. I was immediately terrified, and transported back to when I was raped.

For a brief overview, I was raped when I was 19 at a church camp. The guy was like a brother to me, he was married with kids. He asked me to bring something to his tent one night so I went over, he grabbed me and told me not to make a sound or I’d wake his wife up. He held me down and raped me from behind. I was so scared I just froze and couldn’t react. Afterwards I went back to my tent and just cried for hours.

Anyway, ever since I’ve avoided positions where the man is behind me, but I think what tipped me over the edge last night was feeling like I couldn’t move. I just went floppy and couldn’t respond to him. After he finished I burst into tears and just lay sobbing for quite a while. My husband was mortified. I’ve told him briefly of my experience but never in detail, and he was wondering why I was so upset. I tried to explain but couldn’t find the words and every time I relive it I feel ashamed. I should have told someone, I should have screamed, fought back, called for help. I just let it happen. My husband is so upset with himself still and I don’t know what to say to explain it. Please help 😔 thank you for reading💛