i love girls. i love them so much and i think that they are so so pretty and i’ve never seen a more beautiful specimen in my life. but i’m also tired of all of the feelings deep inside of me that just swirl around in a constant whirl pool of hate and rage. hate for myself and not liking guys. hate for myself and the disappointment my moms going to feel when she doesn’t see a fresh clean shaven man at the altar with me. rage for the need to censor my sexuality like a mature movie. shame for the fact that i have never and will never like men in THAT way. i try so desperately hard to control my feelings and repress the internalized shit within me. but i know i should love myself. even if i’m hateful and filled with anger about everything. i will love myself in time. i will grow old with a beautiful woman and a gorgeous personality. i’ll raise some boys and string fairy lights up around the house and have rocking chairs out front to watch my grandkids run around collecting lighting bugs. i will talk about the crazy things my wife and i got up to back in the old days when our joints were still easy moving and when we weren’t half blind. we only have the future to look forward to.

thank you so very much for reading <3 i love all of you and if things are getting worse for you, things can only get worse before they get better. there’s no other direction than up when you hit the bottom. peace.