How do I stop my mind playing games? Long post

I will be honest with you.

I've written it down so many times and deleted it as I don't know where to begin from so I don't bore you.

It really is a long post and might be confusing which I apologise for but I really need to get this out.

My husband Nick and I got married two months ago after being engaged for a year and a half. Our little girl was born four months ago.

Nick and I started out as friends with benefits. He had sex with another girl and when I found out, I slept with another guy just because it hurt me and I was hoping it would hurt Nick too. It actually did as he told me. He even told me we were both not allowed to sleep with other people otherwise whatever is this we have would be off. And that's when we decided to get serious.

After about 6-7 months we started living together and he told me he would like me to meet his parents and in September 2016 we did go to his country to meet them. In October 2016 we went out for drinks and both got quite drunk. The next day I found out he texted a girl asking her to show him what she meant when she said he did well texting her. She didn't send him any photos, she just told him she didn't mean anything. He had also made a call to Mary, a girl we both knew but he never liked her as she was rich and spoiled. The explanation he gave me was that he doesn't remember and probably he called her by mistake.

A month later I found out from Mary that he had actually texted her. Asking her if she was up to meeting and having sex. All that while I was asleep next to him. It broke my heart. It was so bad, I was crying and feeling like shit. That's when I lost my trust in him but decided to give him a chance. And then his ex started calling. At 2am, 4am... But he wouldn't answer, he said he didn't want to talk to her and he is not interested. He kept apologising and saying he would never cheat on me. He told me he had texted those girls because he's never been in such a serious relationship and it was all new and scary to him. We got engaged in April 2017.

Although he wouldn't give me any actual reasons to be jealous, I would.

I didn't want to leave him although I wasn't trusting him. I kept telling myself that I would make all the doubts and insecurities go away but they didn't. Even when we found out I was pregnant. We both wanted a baby and were so happy but hormones made it worst.

I keep feeling I'm not good for him. That he's not happy. That he will cheat on me or that he has already cheated as he was cheating to his ex girlfriends. I keep saying to myself what do I have better so he won't cheat.

Now with me having to stay at home is making it worst. I don't know where he is and with whom. Even now when he is only working and coming home. He's not going anywhere alone as he says it's not fair for me to be alone with the baby while he's having fun.

My mind is playing so many games. He is watching videos on his phone and I think he's doing it just so he cab avoid me. I don't know how to stop, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm pushing him away 😣