In A State

It’s been 2 weeks.

I want something to remember my baby by, I’m contacting the clinic to request my ultrasounds and I decided I’m going to get a little tattoo to remember him, he would have been the size of a raspberry so that’s what I’m going to get.

My partner refuses to talk about what’s happened and won’t call him our baby he always calls him it or ‘the invader’ and I didn’t tell anyone else not even my mum, he’s the only person I have to talk to and he won’t. It makes me so sad

I don’t want to forget my baby, I know I chose not to keep him but he’s still my baby and I still love him and I still want to remember him, every Friday when it would have been a new week I get really sad and my partner comforts me but it really hurts me when he calls our baby it.

I don’t think he understands that baby was inside me, my baby spoke to me in my dreams.

I remember being so scared of an abortion that I was going to keep it and that night I had a dream where I was holding my baby and he said ‘it’s okay if you don’t want me now I can come back later’ and he told me he loves me no matter what I do and I really think that was my baby. I felt different while he was there, I knew he was there and now I just feel empty.

I’m sorry if this makes no sense I just needed to rant and I don’t really have anyone to vent too