postpartum “depression”

I’m a 26 yr old FTM to 5 month old twins, also a stay at home mom.

Any time I heard “postpartum depression” I always thought, how could a new mom feel depression after having a precious baby...I don’t believe that’s even a real thing. How could a mom feel sad & not want to spend every minute with her baby? Just doesn’t make sense, it’s just in their heads.

Well, it’s real. Very real. & its something women don’t discuss much & now I understand. It’s such a hard feeling to describe to anyone who isn’t or hasn’t experienced it themselves. & I believe there’s different forms of this “depression”. Like mine, I don’t feel any resentment towards my babies, & I don’t necessarily feel sad. I feel resentment towards MYSELF & I feel so overwhelmed, like I can’t take a breath. Ever since I gave birth, I’ve become so so hard on myself & just feel like I’m failing. Like i need to constantly do better, I can do more & I need to have my crap together. & when I don’t, I blame myself. I have other women, friends & family saying to me “you look so good after having twins!” “how do you do it?!” “You’re such a super mom” “how do you juggle twins, 5 dogs, and housework” ....well I cry. I cry a lot. I don’t feel like a super mom, I don’t feel good about my new postpartum body, I don’t feel like I’m juggling all of this very well on my own. I know I’m too hard on myself, I know I’m doing pretty well for only being a FTM & practically as a single mom cause my husband has to work a lot. But I can’t seem to ease up on myself anyway. I put myself down, I breakdown randomly throughout the day even when things are going “well”. My anxiety is sky high all the time, my chest feels heavy, I can’t sleep even when I’m exhausted. & its not getting better. & I’ve realized its okay to feel this way, its real. & it’s better to admit you need help dealing with these feelings than to just try pushing through like everything is fine & it’ll get better on its own one day. like I’ve been trying to do for 5 months. 1 baby, 2 babies, 3 babies. It doesn’t matter, this shit is hard. These feelings are hard. Postpartum is hard. 4th trimester can be harder than the first 3.