Im 35 weeks today.

Ive been clean since the day i found out i was pregnant. (Was slamming meth daily)

5 months and 2 days.

I should feel a little proud of myself. Ive been trying to make amends. Trying to get back in my sons life. Dying for my family to acknowledge that im even still alive. Not that they ever tried to see if I was.

( I got in trouble once. First time in my life i ever had a big (or any)... problem. My family completely cut me off and never looked back)

This morning i got on facebook and saw that my baby sister graduated college yesterday. I couldn't be more proud of her!! Such an amazing girl!!

Scrolled to the next post, she's getting married today.

That's how I found out.

Im crushed!! I know its not about me. today is a special day for her!! Im so happy for her.

But I still cant stop crying.

Im mad that I fucked up so bad that they dont want me around ever again.

Im mad that after hosting 10 baby showers for my nieces and nephews, there's no shower for me.

Im mad that they are so unwilling to forgive my one mistake.

The religion that I was brought up in (and they are all active members of) says that forgiveness is one of the biggest bases of the religion.

I have NEVER felt forgiven by any of that religion.

I don't want to have a pity party today. i want to be excited that ive made it this far!! I want to be excited that my son is about to be born. And despite everyone thinking we are nothing more that drug addicts, we got this!!

We are both working our asses off to get ready for him!! And to get our 16 yr old back. which after a yr of living with them and every thing they've told him about me... choosing drugs or my husband over him... i doubt he'll ever want to come home.

God!! i wish i could just stop crying!!