I went to another baby shower today. The man and I ran into Target to get a last minute gift.... I picked up all the things I'd pick out for my little one.. and put them back. We decided on some onesies and little hats. The picnic area was decorated to match the theme. The mother was outright glowing. Everyone was so happy, children running everywhere. Even the cake was beautiful. So I cried to myself in the park bathroom and thought about how my boobs have shrunk 3 cup sizes since coming off birth control and my face is littered with acne, which I've never experienced before. I thought about the disappointment I face every month when that evil B**** comes back to taunt me. I thought about how all of this would feel worth it if I just knew I was capable of having my own, if I had my own baby to show the world and say "look, I made a beautiful, smart, loving little baby, too". If I could just get those two pink lines, or hear someone say "congratulations, you're going to be a mother". If I could just kiss ten fingers every sun up and ten toes every night. Just see him hold the baby that he worked so hard for... These last 6 months feel like years. I sincerely cannot wait for you, LO.