How do I handle this?? Please read 😔😭

I have decided to stay anonymous today. And I hope and pray that you won't judge me for it. But in all honesty I have a million emotions going on inside of me right now. I'm anxious, happy, tired, freaking out, uncertain, hurting, still in love, trying to get over my issues, alone, wanting to do the right thing, and scared all mixed into one.

I'm 21 and have a 4 month old miracle baby who I was told would pass away in the womb due to complications. I love my son so much. I was never with his dad. When I say that I mean we were just starting to get to know each other when I got pregnant. Not a couple officially but we were just starting to see each other. Getting pregnant complicated things. Big time. And he panicked. He left. Because we barely knew each other. And he's right. The month I was due, he came back into my life wanting to be involved in our child's life. Its been a battle. My family hates that he abandoned me. I do too. But I think he's entitled to be in his son's life. They don't.

I had feelings for him. I still do. Because we were just getting to know each other and everything was amazing. But he made it clear that he couldn't be forced to be with me. And I respect that. I do. But there have been countless times where I wish he was mine. I wish we could have worked. I love my son. I just wish we waited to be something before we got pregnant. I have feelings for him. And when I do see him (which isnt often) we get along so well. He makes me smile. We just click. I wish so much that we were together.

We fight a lot over the phone. Because we live in different states. I'm doing the single parent thing. He wants to see our son. Our schedules never work out. He works full time. I'm on maternity leave yes but I'm at doctors appointments 4 times a week with our son because he has needs. He gets mad. I get mad.

Sometimes I hate how nonchalant he is. He'll be like move here. Live with me. Or let me get you a place. And I'm all for it and then life happens. Whether its work or a fight or our sons health or rental problems or whatever.

I'd love to be close to him. For the sake of our son. But I miss him. And he and I both are still super attracted to each other. And we both know it. I would move anywhere for him. I'd sleep with him. I'd say yes if he asked me to marry him. I fell hard. Fast. Too fast. I'm scared of getting more attached. It takes a whole lot of strength to not hug him or kiss him or make love when I see him.

Our son needs him. And I want him. But when I got pregnant he kept saying we could never work. And he never made an effort I guess to make it work with us even when he came back into my life.

So I am in the process of finding my own place. Closer to my work. A bit closer to him. And he's said thing like if you move i can see you two more and spend more time with you (remember my family hates him..I do live at home still fyi). I'm totally ok with him staying and such. but I know I'll sleep with him every single time. And it scares me. Because I want him. And I'm an emotional mess when it comes to him. I almost don't want to tell him if I move so he won't want to come over. Because I'll just cave. I will want us to be a thing even more.

What do I do? We dont ever talk about us I guess in a longterm kind of way. He has said he will always have a love for me as the mother of his child. I know he cares. My feelings are all over the place.