Rainbow Baby 🌈

Kinda a long post:

So me and my husband have been trying for almost 15 years to have a baby. We did have a miscarriage over 9 years ago and haven’t had any more positives since then. We’ve always been asked well when are y’all gonna have one? Well I guess whenever it happens. I’ve cried so many tears for so many years... every time I would get a phone call about well so and so is pregnant!!! I would hang up the phone and just bawl my eyes out after the conversation. Sometimes I would even cry in front of that person cause I was happy for them but sad for me!! They knew how upset that I would be so they wanted to be there for me as I should’ve been more there for them. I wouldn’t go to baby showers cause of the thought of it cause it was too emotional for me to be there. I was this person I didn’t want to be anymore!!

So let’s fast forward to over a year ago...

I found out that my brother in law and his girlfriend of several months were pregnant. When I walked into my mother in laws house she told us the news. I walked out of her house and got in my car and starting crying my eyes out!! Left my husband inside with just her cause she was the only one home. He came out to the car and held me as I bawled cause he already knew how upset I would be as did she... that’s why she told us by herself. Well we left and went home and was still just in tears. After a few days I was fine. Well then comes the baby shower... now again I don’t go to these things. Well I get an invitation to go... I’m back and forth on wether or not to go right... well I go! I’m ok the whole time I’m there of course family is there and husband is with me and I’m great! I play the games and you know all that stuff. Well I have her sister come up to me and was like I have this card and would like for you to write something on it. So I look at the card and it says Advice for Mommy.... ok so then I just lose it and have to walk away and go to the bathroom. So of course I’m walking past a few of her family members and they’re all looking at me like what’s wrong with her. I get to the bathroom and tears are a flowing. I finally pull myself together and I’m sweating and I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack for some reason. I go outside to get some fresh air and get cooled off and pull myself together more. I finally did and then I go back inside in time for me to see her open gifts. We get done with that and help clean up and all I could think about was how much I wanted to just go home but I didn’t. I finally get home and drink my problems away with a bottle of wine cause I’m just over it all.

Well let’s fast forward again...

My friend found out she was pregnant back in January. Now the night before I told her she was pregnant cause she had said she has been sick every morning for about a week. She was saying no I’m not and I was like yes you are! Well I had a test here for me just in case... so I told her to take the test the next morning just to see to make sure to rule it out in case if she wasn’t getting sick. Well she took the test and it was positive. She calls me while I’m at work and tells me she’s pregnant on FaceTime. I didn’t believe her cause I was in denial and she was messing with me. Well she showed me the test and yep there it was positive. So I tell her congratulations and hang up the phone and start bawling my eyes out at work. I have to go outside and calm down and pull myself together cause again I’m at work! My mother in law pulls up and sees me crying and asks what’s wrong and I tell her. Well she comes and gives me a hug and says it’s ok when the timing is right it will happen for you too!! I left work and went home and took a long hot bath and prayed and cried. When I got out she was here eating at the table and I said hey and walked away. I was in so much pain and numb that I had a loss of words to say to her. I should’ve been so happy for her and hug her and do all the things a friend should do but I didn’t! I lost her as a friend over the way I reacted and I had no one to blame but myself.

Over the last several months I’ve come to realization that having a baby is in God’s timing and his way not ours!! I have convinced myself that I can’t have a baby and that’s ok cause God has a bigger plan for me! I lost all hope and faith in everything. I didn’t live life the way God had intended for me. I didn’t see the bigger picture of just living life and not have a baby always on my brain. I prayed for days and nights every single day for God to give me a way to live a better life without so much pain and tears and hate in my heart for others. I finally saw the light through it all!! I finally realized that I’m blessed with what I have.. I have several nieces and nephews that love their crazy Aunt and Uncle. We spoil them rotten and we love them just like they are our own.

So

my sisters kids stayed last night with us.... well today as I’m getting their stuff together for their mom to pick them up. I see this piece of paper folded up on my kitchen table so I ask her if it’s hers and she says no I made that for you! So I open it up and look at it and read it and I start to tear up. Now my niece is only 7 years old and knows that we want kids but don’t have any and maybe possibly can’t. So for her to do this melted my heart in so many ways... she is one very special girl and can always brighten me up!!