Tomorrow, I go back to work. I go back to work after being off for high risk pregnancy since October of last year. I can’t stop crying, I can’t force myself to get my things together and ready, I can’t get myself to be even remotely okay with it. My son will attend daycare while I am at work, and my older two children will attend a summer program. It makes me angry and resentful, because I will literally be working only to put them in these programs. I’ll only make 200 dollars more a month than what it cost me to have them there. It seems so stupid to me that the only reason I am doing it is for the insurance. My husbands income would be enough but his insurance sucks. I don’t even know what to do. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing someone else will be caring for my two month old son. With my other two, I went back to work and my husband stayed home with them, so neither of them did daycare until a year old. I’m just heart broken my son can’t be at home with me. My postpartum depression is tearing its ugly head at my life right now, and going back to work I feel like is just going to make that worse.

I don’t know what to do. Mentally, I feel like I’d be better off leaving my job and working part time while the kids are in school, and having family with the baby for a few hours when I work. I would make more money than where I am now with them in all of these programs. It’s so frustrating. But I need the insurance. So badly.

Also, my husband wants me off with the baby but is afraid it will strap us too much. I handle 100% of our finances, and he doesn’t realize that me working with our children other places is going to strap us more than me working part time or being a stay at home mom.

This breaks my heart.