Suicide always on my mind...

In the last year,for the first time tried suicide..since then I dream about it,day dream and just non stop think about ways I can die..i feel so alone,so unwanted..so worthless..like everyone would be better off with me dead..by my husband,he's said I don't need to be on meds that I'm being selfish and weak..but no matter how many times I tell him how i feel..its always turned on me..the only thing stopping me from trying again is my 3 kids..but how long can I last 😢with out a shrink or meds how else am I supposed to get by..