My biggest secret

When I was about 5 or 6 both of my parents work all day and I was left alone with my older half brother all day. I idolized him, I thought everything he did was cool. So I didn’t question it when he started doing things I kind of knew I needed to keep a secret, but didn’t know why. It started with him teaching me how to shave my legs, he started going higher and higher to my panties and I asked him multiple times to stop and he did finally. Then he showed me a pornography magazine, I didn’t really understand what I was seeing, he told me this is how babies are made. I wanted to see it again, but I didn’t know why and I felt dirty for it. Then one day he exposed his penis to me and asked me to “brush” the hair, I did and I thought it was a game, then he asked me to put it in my mouth and I got scared and said no, he told me not to worry, he said it won’t make you have a baby. I was too scared I kept saying no and eventually he stopped asking. Not long after it was discovered that he had sex with my older sister ( they are not blood related, only step siblings) because of this my dad sent him to live with his mom. I kind of forgot everything that happened and life went on. He got into drugs and drinking and died in a drunk driving accident when he was 21 and I was 13. Even though he’d done these things I had forgiven and forgotten and my world was shattered, he was my brother and I loved him. I never told anyone what happened, I want his memory preserved with love and good memories. So I’ve kept this to myself all these years. I’m now 22 and I’m starting therapy for PPD soon, I might bring this up to my counselor, I need to get it off my chest and I’ve been to scared to ever voice it. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I needed to talk about it.