Still struggling at 13 months PP

I remember what a happy person I was before I getting pregnant and how I was over the moon when I was pregnant. Then I remember how they took my babies from me and put them in the NICU. I remember sitting in my postpartum room after my c-section feeling defeated. I got to hold one of my boys briefly before they took him and the other I didnt get to hold at all. I remember crying myself to sleep because I didnt have my babies in the room with me. I remember skipping my medicine to be with them during the day. Then I remember coming home. I remember the euphoric feeling I had each time I'd hold my babies. Then I remember the darkness. The struggle to breastfeed. The struggle to pump. Laying in bed just crying. Eventually I told my OBGYN and started zoloft. I felt better. For a while. Now everyday I struggle. How can I have two healthy sweet little boys and not be happy? I feel like I'll never be myself again.