Letting go

This will be a long one.

When I was 15, (2011) I fell in love with this awesome man or boy at the time lol. We formed a strong bond from the very beginning. We were best friends. Fast forward to 2014, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Life was good. We were in love. He always told me he would marry me. We wanted to have a family together. We had our struggles, just like every couple. We were young and had bills. Stress took ahold of us and in 2016, I (& baby) moved in with my grandma. I stayed with her while I want to college and worked part-time. We were still together at the time. Just living separate. My bf had sex with another woman in January 2017. His brother passed away a few weeks later and 2 weeks after that we found out I was expecting. My bf ended up finding a good job and we got a call about a brand new apartment. Things were good. I wanted things to work out with him, I went to therapy and everything was fine. In 2018, I gave birth to my second child. A few weeks after she was born, my bf planned to ask me to marry him. I seen the ring so he decided to wait until he could afford another one. A few months later, I graduated college. We were happy and in love.. we fought just like every other couple but he doesn't understand that couples fight. April 2019, he breaks up with me, asks a strange woman to be his girlfriend and comes back 2 days later. Since then, things have gone downhill. He had an emotional affair. He eventually realized it wasn't real but Today, June 1 he left me. He said it is because we argue too much but when I mention him not wanting me, he doesn't disagree or he'll say "ok so leave me alone". I am scared to be without this man. I have loved him for so long. He says he wants to let me go. I am terrified he will fall in love and start a new family. I was going to marry him and have all his babies.. everything is messed up. I can't stop crying. My grandma said that he thinks he wants to be with other women and he'll realize what he had even though it might be too late. I keep calling and texting him. I can't control myself. The thought of him loving and kissing on someone else.. the thought of another woman carrying his baby.. it hurts my heart. I am trying to stay strong for my babies but it is hard. I'm not ready to move on or let go. I don't want to. I want him home. I want to hold him. I don't understand what is going on. I have never cried so much in my life. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. How do I let go? How do I be ok? These last 2 months have been horrible. I have lost over 10 pounds. I can't eat. Or drink. When my kids fall asleep I take a few shots to numb the pain. Just barely..