I found out I was pregnant around two weeks ago. After having bleeding that I thought was just my period, I decided to do a pregnancy test because I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms of extreme nausea, fatigue and the bleeding I had was different, not to mention, I had a little voice in the back of my head constantly telling me that I was pregnant. I took the test and It came up positive right away and so I assumed that I must have had a miscarriage. I decided that I would go to the doctor and get checked out, from there they sent me to an ultrasound to make sure I wasn’t having an incomplete miscarriage. Needless to say I was still very much pregnant and seeing the little flicker of my baby’s heartbeat absolutely shattered me because I knew that I had to have an abortion. I only recently turned 21, i’m a full time uni student, barely make enough money for myself and I’m single, the poor little thing was the result of a hookup with a man I barely knew. And so at the time I felt absolutely sure in my decision to terminate my pregnancy. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to give my baby the life it deserved and I knew that I could never live with myself if I chose to put it up for adoption. Everything was going well, I was a little emotional and upset about the whole situation but felt confident in my decision. I booked my medical abortion and went to the appointment and took the first dose of medication, I felt sure with my decision and at peace with it. The time came to take my second dose of medication, the one that would end it all and start the process of pushing everything out. At this stage I was about 8 weeks and 2 days and was just keen to have the nausea and extreme exhaustion out of the way so I could focus on my upcoming uni exams. i was a little nervous and put off taking the medication all day, I was feeling an odd mixture of being at peace with my decision but also knowing that it was my last few hours of pregnancy and that it was going to be over and final scared me and for the first time I questioned my decision and I was scared, I had spent the last few weeks brushing it off like it was nothing and that I wasn’t bothered but then it all became so real and I started to feel so confused and all the what if and the could be’s states floating around in my head. I had my older sister with me and we took out time and I finally took the final dose of medication. I experienced the worst pain of my life and had never seen so much blood in my life. I was ok until the embryo came out completely intact. I was told that I wouldn’t see anything but blood and clots and so seeing the poor little thing had absolutely destroyed me. I’ve never felt so heartbroken in my life and now I can’t process how I’m meant to feel because I know that I made the right decision overall. But seeing my little baby the way it was has absolutely destroyed me. I feel like I didn’t take enough time to think things through. I thought that I was so sure and was going to be totally ok, I’ve known girls who have had abortions and it has not bothered them. But I’m a complete mess, I keep going back and forth between knowing that I made the right choice and feeling confident in my decision , but then going back to the poor little thing and how helpless it looked and it absolutely shatters me. I don’t even know how I’m feeling or how I should be feeling, I’m letting myself be sad when my body needs it to be. But I just feel so alone in how I’m feeling. I’m just wondering if anyone else on here has gone through this? I feel like I’ve lost someone close to me and that my world has stopped. I feel so physically different, i feel so physically and emotionally empty, and that I’ve lost a part of me. I keep going to touch my belly and realising that there’s nothing in there anymore.

I’ve kept it in a little box and have decided that I’m going to bury him in a pot plant. I’ve slept with the little box the last few nights and I’ve been talking to it and praying for it and singing to it. This has helped me feel a little better and I believe it’s helping me heal and giving me time to say my goodbyes before I bury it. I really genuinely feel like I’ve lost my child and I just need some words of comfort from people who have also experienced this. My sister can only say so much and I’m so appreciative of her company and support but she can only do so much. Please don’t comment if you have nothing nice to say about this. I am in an incredibly vulnerable position right now and any negativity would destroy me even more.