First things first.... many of you know my story about my son I post a bunch about him. For those who don’t my 9 month old passed this January due to the crib breaking and killed him.

My biggest worry was that my 7 year old saw what happened or that she trying getting him out to play with him and something happened.... well my daughter has been going to counseling because it hit her very hard when he passed. Yesterday she came home and told my husband then told me this morning what happened that night that she never told us. The therapist already had given me a clue as to what happened saying she saw a monster and heard the crib breaking...etc. my daughter told us that she heard the crib breaking and turned to check on the baby (that week we moved the baby with her in her room while we arranged the house for the new baby) and saw him get stuck (somehow the crib broke and he fell between the rails and mattress) she said she got up and tried pulling him out but couldn’t because he was heavy. She said she saw him alive at that point and the crib broke more and that’s when she stopped helping because she didn’t want to hurt him. She didn’t tell us and her reasoning was because she was scared to tell us what happened because she thought we would get mad. (Yes I know I’m a horrible mother, I get upset very easily, I’ve been taking parenting classes so yes I know what I was doing was wrong and it’s been a process but I’ve changed)

What breaks my heart is that she saw him alive, she has him struggle and she possible saw him take his last breath. What also breaks my heart is that my daughter was so scared to tell us that this happened and it ended in such a tragedy.

I don’t know how to feel, I want to be angry but I can’t it’s not her fault, it’s mine for making her scared of me. I want to cry and cover myself in blankets like I first did. I’ve came along way and now I’m in a crossroad. There’s so many emotions and thoughts running in my mind I’m so overwhelmed.

I guess I need help 🥺 how do I help my daughter know it’s not her fault(she blames herself) how can I help myself without going crazy. I don’t want to end up resenting her because she didn’t tell me and I’m so scared I will but I don’t.