I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve now sat here over an hour and a half trying to get my 5 month old to sleep and he would not stop crying and kicking me in my boobs.

He’s also at the stage where all the does when he’s breastfeeding is scratch me everywhere and pull all my hair out. I have he most intense anger so much of the time and also repulsion like I just want to chuck him and get him away from me. I wish I had a different baby. That I would not have gotten pregnant when I did. I really feel like I hate him sometimes for ruining my body. For making it so hard. For ruining the relationship I had with my first daughter, who I worked so hard on and then wasn’t even able to hold or pay enough attention to when he came.

And then all the guilt sets in. And o hate myself for thinking it. But I can’t help it. I spend 70% of the time loving up on my son, smiling and giving him constant kisses and physical affection and the rest of it in an absolute state of rage and depression and guilt.

I feel like he won’t be as smart because I had so much time to spend teaching my daughter. He’s so much worse than her as a baby and it’s so hard not to compare. He won’t take a pacifier. He won’t take a bottle. He will only fall asleep on me or my husband and when you put him down he wakes up every 45 min all night long. He scream cries every time I try to put him to sleep for a nap or at night.

The whole situation with the two of them just feels impossible. It’s not fair to my daughter to be woken all night by him.

I just don’t know what to do anyhow. I feel helpless and like it’s never going to get better and there’s not point to anything. Going anywhere, doing anything because It’s just shit doing it with them and it’s even worse to leave and then know it’s only a break till I have to come back to this. I don’t even want to leave be house and at the same one I want to leave and never come back.

I just want to take a bunch of pills and slit my wrists in the bath so o don’t feel it but I know I can’t because they need me.