PPD: I posted this on my Instagram today
"For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this little girl for a very long time before she was finally given to us. I caught myself begging, pleading, and bargaining with God to be able to have children. This was something that I dreamed about since before I can remember. Being told that your chances of ever having children are slim is so heartbreaking to hear, so when I got that first positive test my heart stopped. When we hit 13 weeks I quit holding my breath because she was going to survive. Aspen is what all of my dreams have been about. She is my greatest joy and blessing.
But sometimes being a mom is hard. The endless tears, the realization that someones life is in your hands, never having any alone time, and always having someone be physically attached to you is tiring. Staying up until 3 am every night just so you can be alone with yourself, and waking up at 4, 6, and 9 to take care of someone else drains you. It took me a long time to seek out the help that I needed. It took me until today.
I owe myself, my friends, and my family an apology. I'm sorry that I expected so much of myself. I'm sorry that I refused help for as long as I did. I'm sorry for being frustrated, angry, and lashing out for no reason. I'm sorry for not taking care of myself. I'm sorry for all the days that I neglected to brush my hair, my teeth, and take a shower.
I am an amazing mother. I am doing an amazing job. Having postpartum depression does not make me a bad mom.
Today I got help, and tomorrow will be better. It's okay to not be okay.