So this might end up being kind of long.

In general I am in my opinion a friendly person who can talk to other people easily. Yes I have the tendency to be shy with certain people but it’s nothing debilitating and I can usually get over it.

When I was a really young child (like between 2 and 5 years old) I had a condition called selective mutism. For those who don’t know it’s a severe anxiety condition where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations. More on this later.

Any way I grew out of this as I got older and now consider myself pretty confident actually.

However not with my in laws. I’m 21. I’ve been with my partner since I was 13. So I’ve known his parents a long time.

In the whole 8 years that I’ve known them I’ve never not had extreme anxiety around them.

My FIL is an extremely inappropriate man. He makes a lot of very sexual remarks to just about any woman he can, including myself. This has happened since I’ve known them. He can get very close, and has actually groped my ass before when I was drunk, and he was entirely sober.

I tried my best to attend family functions at the beginning, but I began avoiding them about 4 years ago. And I RARELY attend because I don’t know what will happen. By the way I’m not an uptight person but he just makes me feel so intimidated.

Any way, I have an 8 month old daughter. Through no choice of my own, we live on their land in a house that my in laws previously lived in for years. This was the worst mistake of my life. But I fell pregnant, and they offered us a place to live rent free so I really didn’t have a choice.

My mil has witnessed this behaviour from my fil several times and she just seems to think its harmless fun. I hate her for this. I’m intimidated by both of them equally. She’s also extremely judgemental of me but is nice to my face.

I never see my fil as I avoid him at all costs and I’m sure he knows I hate him so he doesn’t bother me which is good. However my mil is a different story. She wants a relationship with her granddaughter but the thought of it has literally given me panic attacks.

I have paranoia that I feel like I’m always being watched. I have the blinds closed all the time because I have it in my head he would be watching me and doing god knows what.

Everytime I hear our door knock and I know it’s one of them. I literally go stiff. My heart starts racing and I feel like I’m literally about to shit myself. My breathing becomes rapid. I get all sweaty and hot. I then make a quick decision do I pretend I’m asleep and didn’t hear the door or do I let them in. I normally let them in.

I can’t look them in the eye. I get all fidgety. I start looking for something to do round the house to get away like put the dishes away or something. My body is always positioned away from them. And I’m aware that I’m doing it which amplifies the anxiety.

I feel like I’m regressing back to the childhood selective mutism. I find it so hard to speak. And I know they notice my behaviour and probably think I’m rude.

The anxiety around them has gotten so much worse since I became pregnant and worse again since having my daughter. Particularly because she’s a girl. I have thought about maybe letting my mil see her when my partner is there and I’d leave the house, but that gives me anxiety too.

I leave the house every single day at 10 am and don’t come back til around 10pm just doing whatever I can to avoid going home so I don’t have to be around them. Which I know isn’t fair on my daughter as she needs stability. But if I stay at home, I’m on edge all day thinking they’re going to be at the door at any minute and then I’ll have to face them.

I haven’t included a lot of details about incidents that I’ve seen and my partner had told me about my fil because it would be far too long a read.

Anyway. If you made it this far thanks for reading. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this. Maybe just needed to express myself