DEPRESSED AT 11 WEEKS

Hi girls!!

Im 11 weeks pregnant and This pregnancy has been quite the rollercoaster for me. Regardless ill go through anything for my little bundle, but it hasnt been easy.

From throwing up 5 times a day, to barely being able to fit in my clothes already yet to small for prego clothes. (The struggle)

Im a district manager, so taking care of myself, my baby, 6 stores under my responsibility, and a marriage to maintain, has been hectic to be honest. But the thing that has really took a toll on me is my feelings. Back when I was 15 i fell into this deep depression because of holding so many things from my troubled childhood. (Divorced parents, abused, left by my parents at another country for 6 years,,etc).

It was so bad, that I ended up harming myself(cutting my left arm badly) and Believe me, I REGRET IT, but it to taught me to love life and love myself more. After that I promise myself, no matter how low I was, ill choose life Always. Well lately all my husband and I do is fight. My mother isn’t the “emotional mommy support” type. So Ive never really counted with her for any emotion support. Yesterday I felt like I was in such a big whole, that after 9 years the thoughts of harming myself came back to my head and I felt so guilty and bad about myself because, “how could I think that and harm my child”. I felt like such a bad mother already ☹️☹️ and I couldn’t even grow the guts to tell my husband because Every time i do tell him my feelings, all he has to say is that they are prego hormones, to stop exaggerating and being crazy.... it comes to the point that i start feeling like maybe i am going crazy, and My feelings aren’t valid.

All I’ve done is cry my eyes out in the bathroom floors the past 3 days, and When i look for my husband or my moms support, i don’t get none... i just end up feeling more isolated than before. All i can think about is my baby, and how I don’t want him/her to feel what im feeling. Breaks my heart every time... sorry girls, just needed to vent 😞 i had nobody to confide this with.