Stupid fuck

Sorry for my language.

I'm a stupid fuck.. That's all there is to it.

After the depo my doctor told me it could take a while for me to get pregnant.. But since they were averages I assumed I could be one of the early ones (wishfull thinking) .. Yet I wanted to take into concideration that it would probably take a longer time.

But then after trying for almost a year, 100 bfn's and denying the added stress of opk's.. After a year of my body tricking me with pms which was slightly different every time.. and a presumed early miscarriage. I assumed it could not be long.. I'm young, we're both healthy, we would make it happen very soon. I was convinced.

So I went out and made a package for my SO with baby stuff.. As my announcement to him because I knew that if I were to get a BFP I would not be able to hold myself long enough to come up with something. And I hid that..

Another half year passed and we moved into our new home.

So it became un-hidden and just sits there.. In our bedroom.

Laughing at me..

Telling me how we are failing..

As a constant reminder...

Telling me how it didn't happen yet.

I stopped counting the months of how long it's been since I bought it.

I even forgot what I have put in there.

I remember putting in some humor, and some clothes but I can't even remember what it all looks like...

I guess that if we ever get pregnant it would be a surprise for me too.

My SO wants to stop trying at the end of the year and go back to bc.