Can’t get him out of my head, please help

Before I even start I know I’ll get a lot of hate for this but I have no one to talk to about this. Also there will be a lot to read.

So I’ve been in a relationship for a year now and I still can’t get over my crush. We flirted a few summers back and I almost lost my virginity to him but he bailed. I would see him everyday at school so my feelings just kept on getting stronger. Then I graduated and stoped talking to him and didn’t see him other than when a post of his came on Facebook. Fast forward like two years and I’m still thinking about him. We talked the other day and things got really heated and we were suppose to “hang out” the next night. But yet again nothing happened because of something happening. I’m dating a 44 year old and I’m 20 so I’m wondering if this is just me internally wondering what it would be like to be with someone my own age. Could I please get some advice on what to do or how to stop thinking about him so damn much. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve caught myself thinking about him when my man and I are doing the dirty.

I think I should also mention that the person I’m dating now is the only person I have ever been with. First kiss, first handholding, first boyfriend, first person I’ve had sex with, first person I’ve told “I love you” to, my first everything. He’s already been married and has a kid, he’s already said I love you to other people, he’s had sex with more people, he got to live his life and make stupid decisions with people he thought he loved.

Am I a bad person if I feel like I’m missing out on something with someone else. Because we don’t ever do anything. That includes; going out, only been on two real dates, we don’t take pictures together, we don’t post cute photos of us on social media, we don’t really do anything cute that a normal young couple would do. I look at my friends profiles and I’m envious of their relationship because I don’t and probably won’t ever have that.

Don’t get me wrong I love the guy I’m with to death. We are even wanting a baby but sometimes I catch myself thinking about a life with us actually having a kid and how old he would be when they graduate. Also how well he would actually be at being a father at 44.