Not the mom I wanted to be

My LO is 2months and I have had a hard breastfeeding journey. He hasn’t wanted to latch right or stay latched since he was like 4 weeks old. I’m sure I introduced the bottle too early and he’s getting instant satisfaction from that. He won’t nurse at all now. He doesn’t want to work for the milk and I’ve even tried nursing in the middle of my let down so he doesn’t have to work. I do use a nipple shield and with that I had a hard time weaning him from it. When I offered without the shield he would refuse completely.

pumping has been so hard because every time I go to pump even if baby is content or asleep he will wake up/cry and then I’m not able to pump. I’m so scared of losing my supply and not being able to feed him my milk at all. I’ve read with even just pumping that can decrease your milk supply because it doesn’t empty your breast as efficient as baby would.

On top of this LO and I are working on getting him in some sort of routine/schedule. For the past week he’s taken a morning nap around 8 or 9 at the latest and will sleep for about 2.5 hours. This morning any time I would put him in his bed he would start crying, even if he was already asleep or I would try when he was drowsy and that still didn’t work.

Now he’s in his swing asleep. I know you’re not supposed to let babies sleep in the swing especially for as long as his morning nap could go. But I know as soon as I get him out and lay him down he will pop his eyes open and start crying.

The dishes are piling up in the sink, clutter is starting to form, the floor desperately needs a mop, and I haven’t had the chance to eat.

I’m a SAHM and I feel like I’m letting my husband down because things are piling up here. When he gets home from work the house looks a mess and there’s never dinner done or even cooking. He works hard all day long and I feel like I get nothing done.

I’m feeling like a failure to the mom who I wanted to be.