was it really rape?

he was my boyfriend not too long ago, but we’ve broken up recently. he’s abused me emotionally and physically, embarrassed and dissed me on social media, exposed my nudes and so much more.

the last time we had sex, i initiated it. he wasn’t really into it so neither was i told him to stop. he told me no, switched positions, and kept going, faster than before. it began to be painful and i was starting to think about when i was molested when i was younger (which i halfway believe because i don’t remember much but i still feel like it happened.) i started to breathe harder due to how scared i was, i begged him to stop and i was trying to move but he wouldn’t let me. finally after i started bawling out crying he stopped and held me. he told me he didn’t know i actually wanted to stop and he said he would never let anyone hurt me again. btw, this situation had occurred many times but i never cried that hard.

ever since then i refuse to have sex, i flinch when he touched me, and sometimes i cry when i think about having sex.

he told me it wasn’t rape and i’ve heard people say you can’t be raped by your boyfriend. deep inside i know this is untrue but my feelings are still unvalid about it.

for example: if a close friend asked me if i’ve ever been raped, i’d say no because it doesn’t feel like rape. i don’t know how much since it makes but i tried to explain this the best i could.