That i didn't even know i had. Hopefully this will help other moms get help.

Almost 5 years ago i had my first baby. He wasnt planned but my SO and i did everything to prepare financially. He was born in February 2015. We were all prepared and excited. What we were not prepare for was the mental, emotional, and physical aspect of it. At first it was ok he would sleep alot but then he started waking up more and more at night. My SO worked nights and i tried so hard to be perfect. My dad would judge me alot for what i would do. He called me a bad mother and would tell me i didnt know what i was doing. My SO was always so positive but i felt like i was failing. This made me try ever harder thus making me suffer even more. I am a very happy and smiley person with no history of mental health problems but i started getting in a dark place. I dont remember when it started but i remember feeling like i wanted to die. I didnt feel worthy of being alive anymore. My son was always taken care of but i felt like it wasnt enough and my dad made sure to tell me i wasnt enough. I tried to cut myself, i tried to take pills, i tried to runaway but i couldnt at the same time. I screamed and i cried. I always wanted to be asleep and i let piles of clothes, dishes, and anything just pile up. I hated the world and i hated myself. I gained 20+ lbs and felt disgusting. My poor SO some days he went to work without lunch or breakfast. He always called me beautiful and was positive but i guess i refused to see myself that way. I had no idea why i was like that and i never thought about asking for help. Cause then that would "prove" that i didnt know what i was doing and i wasnt a good mother. I was like that for about a year. I suffered in silence. I tried multiple times to end my life. Finally i had enough and i told my SO. By that time i had already done damage to myself but i knew it wasnt too late. I let my father know to back off pretty much. I started going to the gym. I started eating healthy. I started to slowly gain my sanity back. I finally told myself that im still me and my world doesnt have to revolve around being a perfect mother to others. My son was always taken care of and loved and to him thats perfect and enough. Its been 4 almost 5 years now and im finally back to being myself. I lost myself thinking i was only mom now but im still me. I can still do what i like, i can go out without my kids every so often, i can have hobbies, i can do everything. Sadly, i didnt not seek professional help cause i thought it was a phase and if i knew what was going on i would of done it sooner. Thus it took me this long to see what was happening. Everything is now is a thing of the past and im my old happy self but for all those years i turned the cheek to my problems and wasted precious time. I now have another child my little girl. Things are different now. I learned the hard way but I learned how to be a mother while still being myself. For anyone who is going thought a tough time just remember that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with still being yourself. Take care of yourself too!