And went on to have their rainbow baby. I’ve had three early miscarriages and one stillborn at 29 weeks. I went in Thursday for an ultrasound because I was spotting pink and having pain, and found out on Friday that my baby had no heartbeat. My 8 week appointment was tomorrow but instead I’m having a D & C.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m angry. I’ve never been given a cause for my miscarriages. The doctor I have now, knew I was high risk and didn’t call my in to get bloodwork tests done like Hcg and progesterone tests done until I had called her office 4/5 times since I’ve found out I was pregnant. Turns out my progesterone was low: 7.4 tested on 6/24. On 6/28 my baby had no heartbeat.

This pregnancy wasn’t planned, I’d given up hope after no birth control in 5 years and actively trying for a year and a half, and having a fibroid (that my doctor said small and should not affect getting pregnant). I was convinced that we were no longer able to conceive. We’re 36 years old and my very first pregnancy I was 20 years old, our daughter is almost 16 years old and we had no complications with her.

I feel lost and angry and like a product with a defective part. I had a dream in April, and God revealed to me that I was going to be pregnant. That month, my period was 3 days late. In May was when I got pregnant. When I found out, I was only 3 weeks. I felt like God was going to give me this child and I called my doctor immediately knowing I’m high risk. She didn’t take any action and one nurse even said, “well at this point (before 8 weeks) there’s nothing we can do for you. It’s up to your body and God!” But there were things that they could do, I’ve been on the high risk board and I’m learning a lot: I could’ve started that progesterone sooner if I’d been tested earlier, I could’ve taken baby aspirin, what if my prenatal vitamins didn’t have enough folic acid, what if I had high blood pressure, no of those things were checked.

At this point, although I’m mad at God, I know it’s a part of the grieving process, the pastor said a nice prayer for us at church yesterday and I have faith that it may be possible for me to

have a full term healthy baby if I get proper care

Prepare a healthy place (womb). I’m just so discouraged that I don’t think I can emotionally ever handle another loss, so for that reason I’m asking if anyone was brave and believed enough and tried again after numerous back to back losses. Did anyone give up trying to do it themself and have an alternative: adoption or surrogate. I know this is a long post and forgive me for rambling, I just don’t see a light at the end for us!