Is it really abuse ? Or an over reaction. can he change?

I have never witnessed a normal healthy relationship growing up. So I guess that’s why I struggle with understanding what one is like or is suppose to be like.

My husband calls me names. Bitch. Whore. Cunt. Etc. but only when he’s mad. But I am guilty of calling him names back when he does this. So I respond by calling him dick or asshole. Also he always apologizes afterwards.

He is not physically abusive. But sometimes out of anger will shove me hard. Or won’t let me out of the bedroom and grabs my arms aggressively and has gripped my neck a few times. Always apologizes right after. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen too often. Sometimes he says and does things and then right afterwards he will try to convince me that it didn’t happen. It makes me feel crazy. We have really good sex. But he is constantly talking to me in a sexual demeaning way that makes me feel gross. Like for example we could be eating dinner and he will say “ mmm yeah you gonna swallow my cum here later” and I’m like ew god stop. And he doesn’t stop. He thinks it’s funny. Maybe it’s just his way of being funny but I have asked him a million times to stop. It’s annoying and I think there is a time and a place for that kind of talk.

I have a son that is not his son. I just feel like he is constantly telling me I should punish my son more. And he looks at my son with this look like he doesn’t like him or he’s jealous of him. He denies that and says he loves him. . He can be super sweet sometimes but other times he is a complete different person. And recently we were fighting and he called me ugly so I made fun of his hair. ( he cant handle any Criticism about his appearance). And he gripped my neck and said he could leave me in a bloody pulp. The way he said it made me nauseated. Later on he said he was just angry and didn’t mean it at all. And then acted like everything was fine. I don’t think he would ever really hurt me because he’s never hit me.

Any hope that he could ever change ? The abusive stuff is probably every two weeks. And if he could just stop we would have a great relationship.

He won’t do any therapy with me because he says there is no reason for it.