I’m so jealous to be seeing everyone take their newborn babies home, to see pictures of them growing up, to see those milestone photos, to see the funny posts about what the cute things they did or what’s going on. Meanwhile I’m sitting in my hospital room looking at my baby girl sleeping in her bed with tears streaming down my face because tomorrow her adoptive parents will be taking her home. Tomorrow I won’t say goodbye because it is an open adoption I will be saying “I love you, I’ll see you again” not knowing when that will be. Putting her needs before my happiness because knowing that she will have a better life with another family than what I can give her is my happiness. I can not afford another child, I have to have help with my toddler as it is how can I raise two babies as much as I want to, I literally cannot, my mom cannot help me with two and her dad is gone. I have been preparing myself for this day and I thought I could do it so strong but as soon as they laid her on my chest when she came out tears just filled my eyes I bawled. I fell in love all over again, I stare at her for hours in amazement, she’s so beautiful, my baby girl whom I love more than life itself. The noises she makes, her little face that scrunches up while she sleeps, her little cries that breaks my heart because I would do anything to make sure she won’t cry to see her upset. I would die for her just like I would for her older sister. So to do this is the hardest and most heart breaking thing in the world because I won’t be taking her home. How do people do it? I’m bawling. But I want her happy, I want her to grow up in a beautiful neighborhood and go to amazing schools and live a wonderful life with 2 parents and not just one. She will have an older brother. They will go on vacations she will get to do things and have things that I can’t give her. I just never want her to think that once that I didn’t want her because all I want right now is to take her home. I want her more than anything but I refuse to back out of this. So I’ll just cry and cry and enjoy my last night with her. My children will always come before my own needs I will make sure of that. It hurts when people don’t understand what I am doing. And it’s okay because you will never truly understand unless you go through it yourself. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me so proud because she didn’t do adoption she had an abortion years ago but I can’t do an abortion I can’t. She deserves a life I want her to live even if it makes me depressed. I love you more than life itself Elliott Olivia and I will always ALWAYS be here for you. If you need me I will be there no matter the distance you are my little girl my whole world and I know one day you will understand why I did this.