Help..

I really want to kill myself right now, I feel ugly and stupid I feel like a terrible sister and unlovable, I feel like I'm a shitty cousin and I cant to anything right, I'm constantly the disappointment of the family I get laughed at for think I liked to do, so i dont do things anymore, I live in a foresty area so I'm often in the woods crying or self harming or thinking about suicide, I know I need help but I cant tell my family because I'm scared of what they might do, like thearapy or a mental hospital I'm a young teenager and I'm not sure what to do right now bc I really just want to get rid of all this pain...