Marriage after baby


My baby girl just turned 3 months old and it seems my worries about my relationship have come to fruition.

Ever since I had her, my husband has been hyper focused on this house project that has taken nearly all of his free time. He works a lot, comes home, works on his project until midnight or later and does it again the next day. The weekends are entirely dedicated to the project. I know how it feels to want to finish a project, especially when you thought it’d be done faster than it is. I get it, but this has been going on for three months.

I knew we wouldn’t be doing tons of things after having the baby, but I’ve expressed to him concern about us becoming roommates, not knowing what to talk about (because now I find us in awkward silences on the off chance we have any time together), and just feeling disconnected. We also only have had sex once in that time because our baby sleeps in bed with us and I can’t get her to sleep without someone next to her. Anyway, He always has reassured me that he loves me, he’s happy, and we’re good. He doesn’t feel disconnected.

Anyway, we don’t fight often but when we do, it’s explosive more often than not. We had another frustrating, crazy-cycle style fight this past weekend and for the first time, I was the one who walked away from it and just didn’t talk to him the rest of the day because I was just fed up. Usually it’s him that takes a day of no interaction. So on Sunday, the day after the fight, he normally would do or say something to repair it, but he didn’t. I waited until the afternoon and tried talking to him and he just said he had nothing to say. I pressed a little unsuccessfully so I left him alone. He said he was going to run to the store, which we normally would do together but I figured he wanted space.

Several hours later when he was home, I tried talking to him again. He finally opened up that he feels distant and disconnected, doesn’t think we’re meant to be (which hurt to hear but I don’t necessarily subscribe to thinking this way), that he feels nothing to think of us divorcing like he’s okay either way, doesn’t know what to talk about with me, isn’t interested in sex since he feels so disconnected, and he couldn’t quite explain it but when he went to the store he said he felt different. Not single, but different. He said it was both nice and weird. It sounded to me like he felt a release of expectation or obligation to me.

I don’t believe any person or relationship is perfect. I always try to evaluate my part in conflict but he grew up where he didn’t see conflict (seriously) and therefore doesn’t have the tools to tolerate, process, or work through it. He refuses counseling and would divorce before doing that. Our fights have been beyond frustrating because we both feel like the other doesn’t listen. He’s said some mean things and threatened divorce during fights before but it was always heat of the moment and he tells me when it’s over that he didn’t mean it.

I’m sad but I’m also frustrated and angry that everything I’ve been saying about making sure we take care of our relationship to avoid feeling this way, was essentially dismissed and then it happened anyway.

On Saturday, before we even fought, he asked me if I regretted marrying him. I said of course not and I asked him the same. He said “no, never.” When I asked him Sunday if his answer changed, he said he couldn’t answer it. He kept making comments like “whoever I’m with...” as if the person could change. And things like “if we stay together.”

I asked if we were going to be okay and he said “I hope so” and he wanted space so I took the baby to bed. I thanked him for being honest, said I was sorry he felt this way, and he apologized for feeling that way too.

I felt like it might be weird but I went out after a bit and asked him for a hug. He hugged and kissed me, said he loved me, didn’t want to get divorced, and that I was his best friend (and clarified his only friend).

I still feel like his feelings really came out and he meant them, and it hurts.

I guess I’m hoping for advice or stories from others that it gets better.