I don’t want to know if it’s a bfn or bfp

I think I’m pregnant, but after 4 losses (12 weeks, 10 weeks, 5&5) I’m scared to even find out.

I’m cramping (not period cramps though), heavy boobs, frequent urination, sleeping so much, vivid dreams and I’ve gone off certain foods already.

If I don’t know, it could just be a late period. If I know, I know I’m losing a baby, which are very different things. That might sound crazy to many, but after having 4 losses in a row, I unfortunately don’t view pregnancy the same.

Please tell me someone out there understands? Part of me is begging to find out, but I just want to be in the ‘what if’ bubble filled with hope, a little while longer.