My husband and I had our first child in May. We have been together for almost seven years now, and the time felt right to try for a baby last year. After ten months of trying, we got pregnant.

Since the birth of our daughter it feels like we are just turning into completely different people. I will admit I suffered from the baby blues for a couple of weeks postpartum, and there were moments where I felt like I’d ruined my life by having a baby, but I slowly adjusted and just feel so over whelmed with love for my daughter that I realize there are so many more important things than grieving my old life. She will grow up and eventually I’ll have the freedom I once had.

My husband doesn’t seem to be adjusting, though, and I’m not sure how to move forward. I’ve read that men can deal with postpartum depression too, but how long do I give him to grieve before insisting he start seeing a counselor? It is frustrating for me to see his lack of patience. When our daughter cries for (what he considers) too long he gets irritated very quickly and will start yelling at her to “shut the fuck up.” The most frustrating thing about it is watching him yell at her to shut up while trying absolutely nothing to soothe her. Yes, he goes through the motions to meet her needs: he puts the bottle in the warmer, changes her diapers, and will feed her when the bottle is ready but in between these “tasks” he lays the baby down somewhere and then just screams at her to shut up. When I intervene and show him that holding her and rocking her can help soothe her while she waits to eat, he becomes defensive and says I’m not allowing him to vent his frustration. He is always complaining about how his life is ruined and he wishes he never had a baby, and how he definitely does not want another one.

He even tells me stories about how his coworkers approach him and ask about fatherhood and he doesn’t answer them because he can’t say anything nice about it. He doesn’t seem interested in bonding with our daughter in any way. He doesn’t hold her if it’s not helping me out in some way (like if I’m pumping).

I feel like things are still new and he needs some more time to adjust. I know he would never hurt our daughter, but I’m concerned at some point that she is going to start understanding that his frustration is targeted at her. Have any of you dealt with husbands or partners who have regretted their decision to have children? I’m having a hard time finding the courage to reach out to family and friends on this because I don’t want to embarrass my husband and of course social media paints a picture of perfection when it comes to our other friends who have children.