Trying so hard not to get depressed.


I just got out of a 2 yr depression about a month and a half ago or something.

I was fighting easily, the last couple weeks, I am struggling more & more.

Most of my life I've been depressed. Since I was 11, off & on. I do seem to have manic episodes too. In late April, I got so bad, I was manic and suicidally depressed, and I fought the urge to kill myself, it was so bad, images of hurting myself were flashing in my head all day over and over for days- and I felt relief from seeing myself hurt and dying or imagining me dead. But I know these feelings are illusions! These feelings will pass! And my family & best friend NEED ME TO BE OKAY.

I did my best and I survived- after that I admitted a lot of my mental issues to my parents, my dad was completely shocked.

Anyway, I was scared it would get bad again, so I started taking care of myself a lot better, accepted some things, regulated my feelings better, not putting pressure on myself, tried to learn to calm down, ate better, drank water, etc. And I was able to get out of my depression and feel happy, but not like so manic I'm completely annoying to everyone around me.

My period makes it hard, because I get sick from it. My period was last week, and I didn't feel well for six days straight and it was hard. I feel like I'm never doing anything useful. I feel sick & boring. I like this guy, but it's disturbing me a lot as well because I don't form attachments well at all and have a bad dating history. Also he's religious, and for some reason that's bringing up a lot of things I haven't truly confronted, and I want to confront those things, but it's a lot of spiritual turmoil all at once.

I can't eat or sleep. I'm such a space cadet, I don't know why anyone even talks to me. I don't fit in anywhere, and I just want to read because it's so hard to connect with anyone. I really want to connect, but fuck, I am such a basket case. I feel so stupid for building a camper right now even though I love it so far. I look like such a loser. I suck at building things. It's so hot I cant work on it. I'm just so god damned tired. Im so old already. I'm a writer but everything I write sucks.

I hate my health problems. Nobody would ever really want to be my partner. I'm garbage.

Trying to be positive, take it easy on myself, start doing better again. I can do this.