I'm not ready.. But he was

My boyfriend broke up with me because I didn't give him handjobs when he repeatly asked for them (told me there was someone else and she did what he wanted her to do). I wanted to go at my pace so I did and told him no every 20 times he asked me during our only 3 dates... I can't help but feel as though I did it all wrong. I wanted it to be slow but I guess not... What do you think? And I'm pretty sure I still have feelings for him. He was an ass but he was the first guy to show interest in me and I loved it... I hate myself now.