Pregnancy as a single mom.

Something I never imagined I would experience.

Let alone twice.

Frankly I don’t know if having an active partner makes it any different, but I feel like navigating these changes knowing you’re braving it alone adds a whole new element of self sacrifice and self consciousness.

Maybe I was naïve in my first pregnancy and just didn’t know what to expect so carried on with the changes. I felt like it was such a spiritual calm and part of it certainly was, but the more I process and think about it a large part of it was survival tactics of numbing I didn’t know I was arming myself with.

This pregnancy, post therapy and a LOT of work, has been absolutely opposite. I’ve felt through this entire thing. It has included a lot of growth in the spiritual, individual, and physical sense of everything. A lot of battling shame, worthlessness, and deep sadness. A lot of using discretion on whether people are worth standing up to, or just letting them run on with inaccuracies about me carelessly rolling off their tongues.

I’ve had my faith tested and stretched and grown in ways I never have before. I’ve grown so much closer to God and learned more about his character and heart for me (us) than I have my entire life. There are many passages in the Bible where Gods heart for us is described as the protectiveness (I.e. Hosea 13:8) and nurturing (Isaiah 66:13 & 49:15) nature of a mother.

Many times out of fear I tend to resort to a defensive, seemingly cold-hearted person. Because risking the vulnerability without certainty of a positive outcome is the most fear inducing process to any mother. Love without love returned is the most feared vulnerability of any person. I’ve been reminded over and over to set down my faithless shield of fear-filled logic and put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18)-fully entrusting in his desire and commitment to protecting, nurturing, and caring for those I hold dearest to my heart-because he also holds us dear to his.

This pregnancy has been about learning to love the absolute unlovable and knowing that at times, myself is factored into that.

Surrendering to the process is a daily discipline. Some days I fail, and that’s okay because I’m working on it and God is chiseling away at my heart in all the ways needed to serve those around me.

I’ve been humbled by how hard of a time my body is having carrying this one while chasing a toddler and doing all the things, humbled by the level of sacrifice it takes, humbled by the growth that’s happening.

And if I’m honest, often times I have an extremely hard time embracing the changes this pregnancy.

I seem to forget the divinity in this process.

I seem to forget I’m growing an actual human being inside my small framed body, so yeah growth and changes and cellulite and marks are a given...but so are major heart changes.

I most certainly forget that this process is miraculous, and no matter how well, in what way, in what situation, it’s an incredible blessing.

The softness is temporary, the discomfort is temporary, the lifespan of rumors are temporary.

I am loved. I am cared for. I am growing.

So to any mommas out there struggling with the changes and ups and downs of pregnancy—I see you, I hear you, and I commend you.

Be gentle with yourself, because you too are loved, cared for, and growing.