I miss my best friend 😔

We broke up when I was 23. We were friends since before she was even born. My mom says I was always calmer in her presence. Funny note, she’s exactly 9 months younger than me. So it’s kinda like I was born and God was like alright one best friend coming right up lol.

We were raised together. And She always had anger management issues, she was a spit fire but also somewhat damaged. She was born into a hard life. We worked through many fights as kids. Lol as teenagers we figured out how to debate (heatedly) without fighting, and then as adults we stopped fighting altogether. Just disagreed with eachother and moved on with our day kind of thing. Those last few years were blissful in that sense. But also toxic. Because what I didn’t see were the red flags popping up. I didn’t see the decay that was taking effect. I noticed when she was taking jabs at my body type, but spoke with her mom and it stopped. There was general drama stuff. Especially with my mom, who is like a mom to her but is not her mom so it makes for awkward territory. Doesn’t help that my mom is equally as strong willed. Looking back at old messages I see a common theme of me playing peacemaker on things she was enraged about but really shouldn’t have been. For example her dog bit my brothers horse, bad enough to need stitches. My mom yelled for her to take him away from the situation and she got offended and next thing I knew it was a screaming match. Suddenly the dog was no longer “her” dog (they got him because she begged for a puppy for at least 5 years) and it was a family dog and how dare she use that time with her it’s not her fault the dog bit Sierra. Blah blah blah. And here I am kinda seeing both sides because yes my mom did snap in the heat of the moment (but who wouldn’t when your staring at a $400 vet bill/piece of flesh hanging from your horses mouth.) and that was the start of a lot of disrespect from her for my mom. It finally came to a blow out where my mom and her mom (they were BFF’s too) quite talking because of the crap that was being perpetrated, and it became evident to me that I could either chose an awkward friendship that didn’t involve my mom and likely had insinuations and implications and little jabs here and there about her. Or no friendship at all. I wrote her a letter and chose the latter. I gave her the option of working it out, I’d be willing to work on this too, but i couldn’t just leave things as they were. She chose to let me go. I heard that she was upset, that she felt like she couldn’t breath when she read it. That she cried. But yet she wasn’t willing to try and work on anything so I can’t see how she could have been too upset. For me it was really hard, I had to be mentally strong a lot. But the moment I let go of that relationship my marriage blossomed. My mom went from tolerating my husband to loving him like a son. I went from one foot out the door to fully committed. I realized I needed more friends, there was toxic stuff I hadn’t even seen.

But here we are 4 years later and NOW I’m hurting. I dont know why it took me four years to miss her this much but it did. I went through a lot in high school, lost all my friends there too. (Long story) So I think I was numb to it. I remember writing that letter thinking about how it felt like I was cutting my own arm off but I was in so much pain already that cutting off the arm was just relief.

I’ve thought about reaching out but it’s evident she hasn’t changed one bit. So I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I just wish I could make the pain go away. 😔I could be 110% myself around her and I’m not sure I’ll ever find that again. Especially after being hurt. I don’t know I can be vulnerable ever again since it seems like no one can stick around for me. My husband swears he’ll never leave me and always love me, but I feel like I can’t trust that. And it sucks because I want to. I want to have real friends again. I want to be myself and not worry about who does and doesn’t like me. But I just feel so broken. And my heart misses her so much. 🥺 I don’t know how to fix myself.

Sorry I know this was long. Just had to get it all out.