I miss my best friend đ
We broke up when I was 23. We were friends since before she was even born. My mom says I was always calmer in her presence. Funny note, sheâs exactly 9 months younger than me. So itâs kinda like I was born and God was like alright one best friend coming right up lol.
We were raised together. And She always had anger management issues, she was a spit fire but also somewhat damaged. She was born into a hard life. We worked through many fights as kids. Lol as teenagers we figured out how to debate (heatedly) without fighting, and then as adults we stopped fighting altogether. Just disagreed with eachother and moved on with our day kind of thing. Those last few years were blissful in that sense. But also toxic. Because what I didnât see were the red flags popping up. I didnât see the decay that was taking effect. I noticed when she was taking jabs at my body type, but spoke with her mom and it stopped. There was general drama stuff. Especially with my mom, who is like a mom to her but is not her mom so it makes for awkward territory. Doesnât help that my mom is equally as strong willed. Looking back at old messages I see a common theme of me playing peacemaker on things she was enraged about but really shouldnât have been. For example her dog bit my brothers horse, bad enough to need stitches. My mom yelled for her to take him away from the situation and she got offended and next thing I knew it was a screaming match. Suddenly the dog was no longer âherâ dog (they got him because she begged for a puppy for at least 5 years) and it was a family dog and how dare she use that time with her itâs not her fault the dog bit Sierra. Blah blah blah. And here I am kinda seeing both sides because yes my mom did snap in the heat of the moment (but who wouldnât when your staring at a $400 vet bill/piece of flesh hanging from your horses mouth.) and that was the start of a lot of disrespect from her for my mom. It finally came to a blow out where my mom and her mom (they were BFFâs too) quite talking because of the crap that was being perpetrated, and it became evident to me that I could either chose an awkward friendship that didnât involve my mom and likely had insinuations and implications and little jabs here and there about her. Or no friendship at all. I wrote her a letter and chose the latter. I gave her the option of working it out, Iâd be willing to work on this too, but i couldnât just leave things as they were. She chose to let me go. I heard that she was upset, that she felt like she couldnât breath when she read it. That she cried. But yet she wasnât willing to try and work on anything so I canât see how she could have been too upset. For me it was really hard, I had to be mentally strong a lot. But the moment I let go of that relationship my marriage blossomed. My mom went from tolerating my husband to loving him like a son. I went from one foot out the door to fully committed. I realized I needed more friends, there was toxic stuff I hadnât even seen.
But here we are 4 years later and NOW Iâm hurting. I dont know why it took me four years to miss her this much but it did. I went through a lot in high school, lost all my friends there too. (Long story) So I think I was numb to it. I remember writing that letter thinking about how it felt like I was cutting my own arm off but I was in so much pain already that cutting off the arm was just relief.
Iâve thought about reaching out but itâs evident she hasnât changed one bit. So I donât think itâs a good idea.
I just wish I could make the pain go away. đI could be 110% myself around her and Iâm not sure Iâll ever find that again. Especially after being hurt. I donât know I can be vulnerable ever again since it seems like no one can stick around for me. My husband swears heâll never leave me and always love me, but I feel like I canât trust that. And it sucks because I want to. I want to have real friends again. I want to be myself and not worry about who does and doesnât like me. But I just feel so broken. And my heart misses her so much. đ„ș I donât know how to fix myself.
Sorry I know this was long. Just had to get it all out.
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