I think of myself as a good best friend. I try really hard to not get petty and to always be there for her. Before she got together with her boyfriend I had a huge crush on him, she knew this. Why did I like him? He had similar interests as me, he was pretty nice, and he was funny. She had a crush on him as well. I am older than her by 2 years. We have been best friends since we were little and I was not going to let a ducking boy get in between us. I knew she had a crush on him before she knew about me. So I bottled up my feelings and let her know eventually (pre-dating).

Well I knew one of us was going to get rejected best case scenario. I sat back, I let her have this. I cared about her and I felt as the bigger sister this is what I should do. They got together. But I learned about this over text from another friend. Which frankly crushed me. Not only was I dealing with some heartbreak (I had a crush in this guy for a while) but now I had to learn my best friend got her first boyfriend through someone else?! She said it was because she didn’t want to hurt me. But damned does that freaking hurt.

Now I’m a pretty emotional person I know that much, but I also won’t usually physically show I’m upset. I cried. I ducking cried. It hurt like a son of a b****. I had a lot of trust issues with boys because of some physical violence and threats and other bs. I felt I deserved to have one person who didn’t make me feel like crap. Like it hurts enough that I’m older than her and she gets flirted with while I get thrown aside. I was jealous and I was being negative. I took it personally but In the end I can’t change someone’s feelings.

But it gets worse. So apparently half the time she wants to see him, she can’t go. Unless I’m there of course. I somehow get guilted into going. I don’t want to third wheel. I’m still damned hurt and I have to bottle it up for her sake. Anyone else please? Take any other friend who doesn’t give a damned about him but not me? I go and I’m miserable and awkward the entire time. He’s still as nice and playful as ever (making me want to die in a hole may I add) I don’t want to be there. Then I have to watch them be all lovey dovey? Greeeeeat.

I ask her to please don’t ask me to go anymore. I care about my own mental state a bit so of course I don’t want to go. Then she gets all mopey and feels bad because she wants her best friend and boyfriend to get along. WELL ITS NOT WORKING IS IT? She agrees. Then of course she still can’t go anywhere without me. Great so I don’t want to be the asshole friend who’s the reason she can’t see her boyfriend right? So I end up agreeing again even though I asked her not to do this. It freaking hurt seeing them kiss in front of me too.

Well earlier I was talking about a time before they were dating. How I did have an opportunity to be partners with him in an activity in a sport. Then a friend (different one) conveniently didn’t let that happen. Then she said “Please I don’t want to talk about this, anyone else. Just not me” internally I was just screaming like. “YEAH ANYONE ELSE RIGHT?! YOU MEAN THE SAME WAY I THIRD WHEEL YOUR DATES? Thank you for always considering my feelings.” I get it. I honestly get why she wouldn’t like that. Honestly this wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t feel like my feelings aren’t considered at all. Like I’m the one who is doing all the considering. Now I just bottle up my feelings like did before and I’ve been losing my mind for a while over this. I’ve even gotten angry at her because I asked if she had any actual respect for my feelings.

Before any of you come at me with the fact I’m self destructing myself. I KNOW. I don’t really have many other friends and she’s kinda all I really got. Please I don’t want advise really, I want sympathy. Someone who understands being the one left behind.